April 2010
9 posts
My Experimental New Casting Style
“Yeah I went fishing again.”
“Oh boy.”
“Yeah well.”
“Remember that time you—”
“What, snagged that baby moose with my fish hook?”
“Because you were showing off your experimental new casting style.”
“No gee I don’t remember the worst day of my life, not ringing any bells.”
“Because you were trying to impress whatsername.”
“Gosh yeah what was her name.”
“Worked over at the taxidermy place,...
need a laugh..or a moment of *tilts head to the... →
randomantics:
completely inappropriate..& HILARIOUS.. something about the randomness of this makes me want to find this FIRELAND, the other part of me (the part that mostly concerned with not finishing my history paper and skipping starting a celebratory big bang marathon) knows that this encounter would just end up on national news, captioned something like “crazy vs crazy: twitter hermit...
“There is not one single scenario I can think of where you would need to rent a...”
– from Say Whatever by Joshua Allen - Go read the rest of it; it’s very short and very funny. (via kavalierandclay)
Watchatsween:
An Evening with @fireland
Happy Birthday, Josh.
How I Know I'm Not a Writer
fireland:
I haven’t read Hemingway or Faulkner or Melville or Chekhov or Dostoevsky or Austen or Dickens but last night I made it a priority to finally see Point Break because it was urgent that I fill this embarrassing gap in my knowledge of the world. And it was, indeed, 100% pure adrenaline. Next up: Road House.
March 2010
8 posts
Rejected Twitter Post No. 2020
fireland:
Just found a Post-It wedged in my navel that says: “Lose weight and take more showers!!” OMG it’s dated 4/24/05!!!!!
Danger / Nymphos
fireland:
I’ve got thirty seconds to stop this ship from crashing into the moon of Nymphos. Which I discovered, what, like half an hour ago? I mean I literally just discovered it.
OK yeah technically it was my boy sidekick Trevor who noticed that Dykon’s orbit hinted at a nearby satellite. And yes your honor it was Gaylord 9000 our sentient onboard computer that did all the math—
(Gaylord 9000...
Amen
fireland:
Dusk falls and the oaks shimmer. I’m in the bleachers watching pee-wee soccer. I think my kid just got hit in the face with the ball but who can tell. One thing they don’t tell you when you’re having unprotected intercourse with a waitress? The sound of your child’s fake-crying will be identical to the sound of any child fake-crying, anywhere in the world. I don’t care if it’s Mumbai.
...
First Draft Twitter No. 003
fireland:
I think I blew this one:
“At the Sears Portrait Studio, trying to decide between Police Lineup and Uncle McFeely’s Rec Room.”
Other contenders included:
NASCAR Coke Party
Mom’s Boyfriend’s Basement
CBGB Bathroom
Nam Flashback
Opium Den With Novelty Hookah
Dead Ringers Operating Theater
Grandma’s Dimly Lit Living Room With Candy Bowl And Overlarge Bible
Sears Parking...
True Story
fireland:
We were playing spin the bottle in the parking lot and it pointed at Robby. When the girl was all ew he got mad and threw the bottle and it hit this guy coming out of the drug store. The guy dropped his plastic bag and out tumbled two boxes of Tampax and a bunch of Snickerses.
As usual Robby was instantly apologetic but the guy didn’t even get mad, he just sighed and picked up the...
February 2010
3 posts
2 tags
2 tags
Beedle's Gambit / 5 April 1997
[A stuffy conference room on the sixth floor of an office building.]
MR HOWLEY: I’ll assume that everyone’s vacation requests are in so we can hop-skip-jump straight to the action today.
MR BEEDLE: I requested xmas [the actor is asked to pronounce this as “ex-mass” and not as shorthand for the complete “Christmas,” for various personal and artistic reasons that need not be discussed here] eve...
October 2009
19 posts
The House of Wigs #34
The House of Wigs #34 filed 07/29/04 My cubicle buddy got all kinds of pregnant (totally not guilty — everyone knows I shoot blanks) and then her doctor told her to stay at home and take it easy for the last trimester (I carefully prepared a pointed and charismatic theory about how trimester was some kind of made-up word, a lazy riffing upon semester, sort of like the old saw about how a...
Fireland on the President:
fireland:
“He took Michelle to see the Spike Lee film Do The Right Thing on their first date.”
[50 Facts You Might Not Know About Barack Obama]
Dude picks Do The Right Thing for a first date and we’re trusting him with the Button?? C’mon, Say Anything was playing that summer, too.
Deleted Twitter Draft No. 2
fireland:
The first draft of today’s Twitter post, for your files:
If the Hyundai’s a-rockin’, don’t come a-knockin’. Because I’m having sex. With your mom. OK? I even made it rhyme so it’s easy to remember.
P.S. I’m concerned that people will think this line is directed toward my [non-existent] offspring and interpret “your mom” as my wife. I’d prefer it if people thought I was talking to,...
Rejected Twitter Post No. π
fireland:
Got the invite to my dad’s wedding. He just crossed out the bride’s name from the last time around and wrote in That Hotty [sic] At Denny’s.
POST NO. π?!??!!?
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
*swoon*
Rejected Twitter Post No. 90125
fireland:
If you can’t prove in a court of law that we didn’t have sex last night, then we did. Yeah well I’m still updating the spreadsheet.
Yesterday’s Movie Trailer Reactions
fireland:
The Incredible Hulk A: [gleefully claps hands upon seeing Ed Norton] Indiana Jones A: [upon hearing the first line of the ominous voiceover, something about a mysterious secret in a cave or whatever] That’s all I need. I’m there, whatever this is. Wait, is that Harrison Ford? The Happening J: [upon seeing “M. Night Shyamalan*”] Fuck this guy.
J: [notices with smug satisfaction that...
Shingles Ma I Got Shingles
fireland:
DJing tonight at the Applebee’s on West Colfax, laying down a sleazy set of Mark Almond and Aphex remixes and American Idol highlights from YouTube. The prom girls go absolute A-1 ape-balls and offer me unseemly Activites which I — as a Gentleman — refuse, sealing the Velcro on my cargo shorts. Sure enough I’m alone at the end of the evening, only my Triple Chocolate Meltdown to keep me...
fireland:
Just saw a license plate that read WTFWJD.
“I am a very busy and important man. I don’t need to tell you this. The shit I...”
– Two Minutes and 42 Seconds in Heaven by Joshua Green Allen
Read. The. Whole. Thing,
The Harness
fireland:
Mishap with the pleasure harness over the weekend. Let’s not get into details. All you really need to know is it wasn’t performing as promised and this resulted in a pulled hamstring and a humiliating conclusion to the evening’s festivities. Don’t make me paint you a word-picture.
But as always I got the extended-coverage warranty from Best Buy so I head over there and endure the...
“Noteworthy Beverages? 16 oz. bottle of Hawaiian Punch, noteworthy only because I...”
– The Black Pill Diaries
ZOMG fireland is the best thing ever, let me tell... →
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