Fuckyeah, Fireland!

fireland:

I’ve got thirty seconds to stop this ship from crashing into the moon of Nymphos. Which I discovered, what, like half an hour ago? I mean I literally just discovered it.

OK yeah technically it was my boy sidekick Trevor who noticed that Dykon’s orbit hinted at a nearby satellite. And yes your honor it was Gaylord 9000 our sentient onboard computer that did all the math—

(Gaylord 9000 prefers to be called by its product name Francis Montgomery v3. He finds my nickname to be “puerile” which is maybe the gaylordiest word ever, am I right or what.)

—but let me ask you this: Who first saw the moon? Was it Trevor? Yeah no. Trevor was in the space toilet crying for his mommy who abandoned him because he reminded her so much of the night she slept with a tri-penis’d Krakiit that she picked up at a gay alien bar called, oh, probably something like Uranus Forever? Half-Price Drinks For Any Entity With More Than Seven Nipples?

OK then was it Gaylord 9000, whose camera eye can’t even see out the window? Whose entire sad existence consists of looking unblinkingly at my crotch? A sight that, I happen to know, some women would pay two credits to see and other women would pay five credits to never see again?

Uh no. It was me. I saw Nymphos first. And Gaylord 6900 or whatever was so upset that it forgot to adjust our coordinates and now we’re on a goddamn collision course. I’ve pressed every single button on the console here and it’s basically doing jack! Shit!

Trevor’s doing the thing where you’re crying so hard you’re just flapping your little hands and jumping from one foot to the other. Gaylord is reciting some poem in its stupid fake British accent.

As usual, it’s up to me. Bob Danger.

I tiptoe aft and grab the last space-chute and blow myself (tee hee) out of the airlock. I float down to the surface of the moon which turns out to have a really nice crystal beach running along a deadly sea of purple acid. The only sign of life is this lame souvenir t-shirt stand but then my ship crashes right into it LOL.